Capture the feeling
Is it the same feeling as I’ve felt so many times before?
loneliness, reliance on one person and one person alone to fix that loneliness
frustrating feeling that they do not feel to the same extent, that they, strong and independent as they are, walk around and feel fine
but I lie in bed and cannot sleep and wish only to be with them
because before that I cannot let out this breath which is in the depths of my chest
which could come out just as easily in a laugh or a sob
or just a few, elongated seconds of relieved breathing
I lay and looked at the ceiling – with the light, there are two lines there, one above the other. I imagine them both on my body, a wound cutting it in half from top to bottom. One line for my belly, the other for my head.
What does it open to?
I’ll give you stars and the moon
but I don’t know if you’ll see them when I’m sliced open
I’ll give you love and adoration
but my heart may not look like it held them
[It will look red, raw, empty, squishy repulsive.]
For each feeling we have, underlying repulsiveness, underlying red red
always red – maybe passion is red because, so often, it makes
me want to tear my skin off.
When on exchange at Yale-NUS, in Singapore, I was assieged by slightly too many feelings; it became almost unbearable. The release? trying to capture the feeling. Poetry could drag the emotions onto paper, and alleviate me slightly.